TROLL-INSPIRED WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS&PRESS RELEASE

[sw10025]

Okay folks, since Beth2000 and myself have been experience troll mocking withdrawal, here is the latest challenge. Write a mock wedding press release/newspaper article for the skater(s) and/or poster(s) of your choice. They can either take the vow with another skater, a MKF poster or the celebrity of your choice. I'll take a feeble crack at it, and then I'll let mano run with it...


OLYMPIC SKATER MICHELLE KWAN WEDS TIMOTHY GOEBEL IN PRIVATE CEREMONY IN MEXICO
<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> Disassociated Press <!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->
June 27, 2000

PUERTO VALLARTA, Mexico. Olympic figure skating star Michelle Kwan wed fellow American skater Timothy Goebel in a highly secretive, private wedding in Puerto Vallarta earlier today. The bride was beautiful in a stunning sleeveless white velvet skating slip with spaghetti straps designed by Jeff Billings, and their first dance as a married couple was choreographed by Lori Nichol. Kwan's wedding was a surprise to many because the purported purpose of her visit to Mexico was a vacation there with her sister, and few knew of Mr. Goebel's presence in Mexico. Still fewer knew of their engagement, because when asked about it, Ms. Kwan replied that there "had been no engagement".

When asked for further detail about this stunning revelation, Ms. Kwan elaborated: "Yes, there was no engagement. Tim and I have never even dated -- we've always just been friends. There was no romantic involvement whatsoever. But our fans became inordinately preoccupied with our relationship at a competition where Tim gave me a friendly peck on the cheek, they started reading a whole lot into very little every time they saw us in the same room together, and eventually decided we were secretly dating. We read my fan pages, our agents took double blind surveys and public opinion polls, and decided that we had no other choice than to satisfy public demand. We also sought the advice and consent of the USFSA, who wholeheartedly felt that if marriage did Irina so much good, then it would provide both myself and Tim with a great deal of benefit as well. So a deal was struck."

The groom looked dazed and amazed by this unexpected turn of events. "Certainly, I had no idea this was in the works. I'm as surprised as everyone else about this happening. It's all been so sudden, but when duty called, not to mention the USFSA, I answered. But of course, I'm pleased, very pleased, to help out Michelle or American figure skating fans in any way I can."

The bride and groom plan to spend their honeymoon in El Segundo, where Mr. Goebel, a rising U.S. figure skater, will concentrate on ballet lessons and actually figuring out what good posture is, while the bride will devote herself to working on upping her technical ante with new triple triple combinations. The happy couple declined to comment on rumors suggesting that they had signed a prenuptual agreement regarding the custody of Frank Carroll in the event of a dissolution of the marriage. :lol :lol :lol

[Beth2000]

:lol :lol :lol :lol sw10025! Wait until Mano see this. She will run with this. I will have to put some more into mine before I post anything but I will come up with something rest assured ;)

[mano]

Who'da thunk. Made me lose my lunch, but all in a day's work as a JLK. I'll try my luck later on this when I'm at the comforts of my own home. :lol :lol :lol

[sw10025]

Oh come on, mano, I thought that at the very least *you* would be inspired and try to surpass my effort. Haven't those creative juices gotten going yet?

[mano]

I'm in the midst of major craziness at work that requires more OT as usual and it's sucked out my creativity. Notice I haven't written anything for BFFF either so don't worry, this thread will take off with all our TROLL news reports later.

[GMAN]

You guys are just to funny!LOL!!!

[Rosa]

That was great sw10025.

Here goes my attempt:

06-28-00 9:15pm
The Bigamist Herald

"It's Over"

Russian figure skating star Evghney Plushenko was in tears over this cry from fiance Rosa Uglyhead. Ms. Uglyhead cited the reason for the breakup on Plushys refusal to get a haircut. She further states that no self-respecting bigamist would be seen with someone with hair like that.

Sources close to Plushy say he is absolutley crushed since he was sure Rosa could make a man out of him. Still, he says, "nothing, not even becoming a man, is worth cutting my beautiful blonde hair over."

Ms. Uglyhead says that if a gift has already been purchased, it can be forwarded to the Kwan/Goebel household.

[GMAN]

ROTFLOL Rosa!!!!

Here`s a dumb one.

"New time for Grishuk"
06-28-8:23 p.m




Figure skater Pasha Grishuk said today that she is going to retire from figure skating and percue in her sport gymnastics.She says that she has completed her cartwheels and plans to compete in the olympics some day.Pasha says it will take around a year to get to the olympics.Her coach Dirsa Funnyhead from Ukraine and moved to the US two years ago said that Pasha has great cartwheels but in order to compete in the olympics she has to do even harder stuff.When Pasha her the news she said that she thinks that is not true and she said if I don`t get better over 1 month I will quiet and percue in my other sport football.She says if I don`t percue in that I will go and retire from sports and go home to compete in the pie eating contest.

[mano]

uh...sorry, nothing yet, but looks like a lot of talented reporters around so I won't be missed too much.

Rosa, ROFL. Bigamist Herald!!! You go girl. I feel bad for Plushy now.

GMAN, trying to picture Pasha as a Gymnast and a football player, LOL!!!

[Rosa]

I think it is best that Plushy and I split. No one would know who he was when the announcer said:

"And now on the ice, representing Russia, mr rosa #2"
:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

[Amelia]

Mr. U2Asian marries long time love Michelle Kwan! Said Kwan, "I'm so happy to be with my lover boy after all this time! I love him very much." Mr. U2Asian could not be reached for comment, as someone calling himself G Man was tackling him, screaming something along the lines of "Michelle is MINE you DOLT!!!"

:lol :lol :lol

xoxoxoxoxo Amelia

[mano]

don't encourage 'em or we'll never hear the end of it. :lol

Oh sw10025, just occurred to me that the screen is stretched. Is it possible if you can use the force, assimilate, or mind meld out some of the "*"s because I think it causes the screen to become wider and I have to scroll to look at everyone's stories. That or you just use the edit button. Thanks.

[michellesmom]

LOL, Amelia! You forgot about the Marine getting ready to put a choke hold on both of 'em. :)

[skatingfan]

Michelle was left waiting at the alter, while G MAN and u2 were tackling it out.
Meanwhile Jkovner flew in from BALI, he ran up the church steps shouting,
"Michelle, MEECHELLEEE, you can not marry u2, you know it in your heart, you
love ME."

(Sorry jkovner, I cant resist, although you never admit here like G Man that
you have a crush on MK, but you have mentioned several times that Mk
makes you swoon. :) )

[GMAN]

My hair is all messy,My shirt is ripped,I will keep fighting!!!!!

[amyp3]

I just saw this thread today & got a big kick out of it.
MK & Tim doing whatever it takes for the good ol' USA, huh? ;) :lol

I'm tired but maybe I'll try adding something another day.
thanks again

[GMAN]

Here`s another one!

"I see dead people!"
June 30, 2000 7:29 am

Hello.I`m your reporter today David Lihendsasd and National Champion and world bronze medilist Nicole Bobek has seen dead people.Bobek says that yesterday when she ate dinner she saw Sonja Henie.Henie was the best figure skater in the world Bobek said.Bobek says Henie said "I hate peaches:p !!Why are you eating them?"Bobek said she almost chocked!!Bobek told her coach and she said":lol !!!"Bobek then said I`ll do the boggy dance!So bobek`s coach(Kerry Leitch)said ok I believe you!!Leitch said "We`ll go to the police together"Leitch and Bobek went to the police and Bobek told the story and the county police said ":lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol !!!!!"Bobek was sooooo mad she did the boggy dance!!

Today I sat down with Bobek and this is what I and Nicole said


David-So Nicole what is the boggy dance?

Nicole-It`s a dance that I made up to be funny but everyone got scared of it and screamed.

DAve-Do you really think you saw Sonja Henie?

Nicole-I`m sure!Do you believe me?

Dave-Ya(trying to hold back laughter):lol !!

Nicole-i`m leaving!Your not much help!

Dave-I`m sorry!!!

Well,here the case is unsolved hopefully Bobek will not see anymore dead people and not see "The Six Sense" to much.Thank you and I`m your reporter David Lihendsasd.

Here`s another little one!

It is three guys that are fighting for Michelle Kwan here at the MK forum and 1 million other people in america,Japan,China,Cuba,and Russia.Including Elian Conzalis(sp?)But here the three guys at the MK forum have the best change they are....Jkovner!!!Gman!!!And.......U2asian!!!

Now how will get the Kwan??

Story unsolved!!!

[sw10025]

Sorry, mano, didn't realize I was causing anyone's screens problems. Its been fixed.

Rosa, I think its best that you and Plushy split up too. I think he's pretty fed up with being No. 2 at this point...

[Rosa]

sw10025 - :lol :lol
Maybe Plushy just wanted to marry me for my choreography skills. Then he wouldn't be number 2 for long. ;)

[sw10025]

Rosa, I'll admit Plushy's choreography could use help, serious help, and would definitely benefit from your touch, but I don't think choreography is necessarily his biggest problem. Choking at the biggest comps is...

[Mordecai71]

You people are HYSTERICAL! I love to sit here and read all this stuff. Wish I was creative enough to do that! Can't wait to see what Mano comes up with!

[justsk8]

Oh man! I usually don't come into Fan Fiction, but I better start. This whole thread is pretty funny.
sw10025, that is absolutely hilarious! :lol I am still :lol :lol :lol
Mano, you better get creative to rival that! :D

[Beth2000]

um, still haven't come up with anything, um wait. Yes I have.

Mr. Rosa(the real one)comes walking in and finds Plushy. What are you doing here. Plushy looks at him through that bowl haircut and says I am taking lessons from Mrs. Rosa. Mr. Rosa says I don't think so. I won't let her teach you all the things that she taught me through all these years. Plushy says okay I will go find another coach. Plushy leaves and he finds Pasha. Pasha decides to coach Plushy. Plushy decides he likes Pasha and he proposes to Pasha. Pasha agree's to marry him. After a few years of marriage they decide to have children. Their first child looks just like Plushy bowl haircut and all, Pasha tells Plushy I can't take this anymore I can't stand to see another person with this bowl hair cut.

Okay I know it was pretty lame but hey I thought that I would give it a try.

[GMAN]

It`s as lame as all of ours! That was a very funny story:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

[unique]

I'm not going to write because I will definitely make you fine folks fall asleep.. Just wanted to tell you all that I never laughed soo hard in my life after reading this thread and others..:) This made my week after reading all these.. Continue your work of art!! :)

Unique

[Beth2000]

thanks G MAN :)

[Rosa]

Sunday July 15,2000
The MarilynMonroe Wanabe Press

Pasha dumps Plushy after the disappointment over the birth of the bowl baby. Ms. Grichuk - just Pasha - Plushenko was devastated at the appearance of her child and feared that others would look just like her husband. "All I want eez a child that looks like me since I am goddess and will be next Marilyn Monroe because American peoples think I am queen of world." Plushy will get custody of the bowl baby that he has already placed on skates. He hopes that his ex-wife, famous choreographer and bigamist, Rosa, will begin working her magic with the child and turn him into a world class skater by the age of 5. "Bowl Baby will be the youngest world and Olympic champion ever" gushes the proud father. Rosa could not be reached for comment at this time since she is busy doing choreography for Kwanluv's GAS tour.

[NicoleMarie]

This just in!! After a 3 week long waiting period, the ISU has decided to grant Tara Lipinski her amature status back. Tara was elated and has been training hard, saying she plans on competing in the 2002 Salt Lake City olympics. Not only does she have a triple/triple in her short program planned for the year 2002 but she has two 3/3's in her long, AND a 3axle. Coming back into the amature status, she knew of all the up and comers and that she would have to work very hard to keep up with the technical bar that has been raised since her win at Nagano in 98.

In other parts of the figure skating world, I was able to Catch Michelle Kwan for a short interview on how she felt about Tara coming back.
<me> Michelle, how do you feel about Tara being eligable again??
<mk> I think it's GREAT!! With all the stress of the MKForumers fighting over me, and Timothy and I being Newlyweds, it gives me something to take my mind off of my non-figure skating life. I'm estatic about having such a good competitor on the ice again. Nothing beats the thrill of competeting and I'm glad Tara is back!!! I know i have to Up the Ante, and I plan on taking every step I can to make myself the best I can be for these next two seasons. I'm excited and I can't wait for Nationals and Worlds this year!!

Michelle Kwan was reportedly seen later that evening leaving the hardware store with a long heavy metal bar....................

Article provided by:
Nicole WhyMe Marie
Chief editor

[GMAN]

:lol Nicole!! This is funny! I`m thinking of another one!!

[sw10025]

That was amusing, but I don't know if we should mention you know who and Michelle together, lest trolls be lurking (although a substantial number of them got themselves banned a while back) and take offence.

[NicoleMarie]

To anyone who was offended by my "article"

I LIKE Tara Lipinski and was VERY dissapointed when she went professional. *SIGH* AND I think she's an excellent skater. My "article" was all in fun and picking on the rivalry and gossip that has been thought but not said I'm sure a thousand times and what I wrote does not reflect my true feelings towards either skater.

If anyone has been offended by this please post and let me know and I'll edit the post so it says "Hi"

[GMAN]

It might be offenive to some people but it`s not offenive to me.

[sw10025]

I wasn't offended either, but since this is troll season, I thought I'd better mention it lest they crawl out of the woodwork and pounce on you...

[NicoleMarie]

If the trolls try to get me I'll do the funky chicken dance don't worry

[amandadupre]

You guys are great!!!

[Hadas]

ROFL!!!

[taf2]

I'll give it a try:

Fort Worth Star-Telegram
May 20, 2001

TIGER WEDS MICHELLE KWAN

The spectators and TV audience were stunned today by a 20 minute delay during the final round of the Colonial Classic Tournament in Fort Worth, Texas. Tiger Wood was leading the pack with -12 strokes at the halfway point. When he reached the 10th hole, a female spectator joined him at the tee-off, along with a minister and many family members and friends. Tiger slipped into a navy blazer, complete with boutenniere of white roses to match Ms Kwan's beautifal nosegay. Ms Kwan, an ice skater, who is four-time World champion, five-time National champion, and reigning Olympic silver medalist, wore a tea dress of white silk. She was attended by her sister Karen Kwan, while Tiger's father acted as his best man. Ms Kwan's parents and brother Ron, and Mr Wood's mother also attended, along with many celebrities of the golf and skating worlds.

After the brief ceremony and a few toasts, along with about a thousand photographs taken by both the spectators and a professional photographer, the groom teed off on the 10th to resume play. Whether due to inspiration or talent, his play on the back nine was incredible, where he scored seven birdies and two eagles, to win the match by a resounding -23 overall, and 14 under his nearest competitor. Post-match interviews were cut short to allow the newlyweds to catch their flight for their honeymoon, destination unknown.

An insider revealed that the couple do have a pre-nuptual agreement, though it does not address financial matters. Instead, the document deals with an agreement that each athlete will teach the other his/her sport. According to Ms Kwan, this was the only way to get Tiger out on the ice. "He's such a natural athlete, he's actually doing quite well" she is quoted as saying. On the other hand, Ms Kwan admitted that she is still a "mushy cookie" when it comes to golf. The couple will be based in the Los Angelas area, where the new Mrs. Wood trains and attends UCLA.

"Our schedules will be hectic for the next few years, especially next year as I prepare for the 2002 Olympics", said Ms Kwan, "but Tiger is so motivated and has such a strong mind-set that I know he will help keep me focused. He's my biggest fan."

[mano]

Great article. With Tiger no less. Skatingfan will be in alt since she would love for Tiger and Michelle to be together. :lol

[kwanluv]

GUILT BY ASSOCIATION PRESS:
11/27/00

Peter Carruthers to Wed Susie Wynne

Former national champions of the ice Peter Carruthers and Susie Wynne announced their engagement at Gelsenkirchen, Germany after they finished announcing the Nation's Cup International skating event. The two have been collegues for the past few years commenting for figure skating events for ESPN, TNT, and most recently with ABC. The announcement came to a shock to their fellow commentator, Terry Gannon, who said..."I was completely shocked, I usually don't pay much attention to what they say most of the time."

Peter told reporters that he felt that their "unholy" union made perfect sense..."I had at one time thought of trying to woo my former collegue, Rosalyn Sumners, but she wasn't quite inappropriate enough for me, and her over-all knowledge of figure skating intimidated me." Peter then went on to add "During Skate Canada, I realized that I found my intellectual equal when we worked together...she just has the best knack for stating the obvious and has no problem making unsubstantiated comments. I love that about her and I knew I'd pop the question when we went to Germany. I think we're going to be really happy."

Susie originally wanted to get married on the ice after the exhibitions at the World Figure Skating Championships in Vancouver in April. Unfortunately for Susie, their wedding will have to be held somewhere else as the Canadian government threatened to arrest her and Peter if they attempted any marriage ceremony in Canada. When asked for a comment, the Canadian Security Advisor simply stated "She's embarrassed this country enough already." Susie's reaction was a giggle and then she attempted to explain her position on the subject, but it was full of mis-statements and contradictions.

Dick Button and Peggy Flemming held a press conference the day after the wedding announcement and had prepared statements. Peggy stated..."Their chemistry isn't nearly as effective as Dick's and mine, not at all." Dick simply stated "I don't plan on attending their wedding, I think I'll take a trip to the refridgerator instead.

[mano]

Kwanluv, that was hilarious. "Unholy Union" and "Refrigerator break". Good one. Didn't know you had it in you. :lol :lol

[kwanluv]

Thanks mano...I was surprised myself :lol

Well, I am a grant writer by trade, but my comic writing skills are improving after posting here for so long and having people like you and sw10025 to get inspiration from. ;)

Besides it was very fun, I was laughing so hard as I wrote it I had to close my office door because people were looking in at me like I was a nut! :lol

[Maeve]

Mon Jan 22, 2001
<!--EZCODE BOLD START--> FIGURE SKATING LEGEND ACCUSED OF MURDER<!--EZCODE BOLD END-->
by A. BYRONIC CUPCAKE
<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> First Rate Press<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

BOSTON (FRP) - Figure skating legend Peggy Fleming, 3-time World Champion and 1968 Olympic Gold Medalist, has been indicted in the murder of figure skating God and spastic commentator Dick Button.

Witnesses say Fleming attacked Button with an eyelash curler in the ABC broadcast booth during the exhibitions of the State Farm United States National Championships Sunday night at Boston's Fleet Center. According to police reports, the scuffle ensued after Button referred to figure skater Michael Weiss as "almost as wonderful as his Hawthornesque profile is sometimes capable of being."

"I just couldn't take another second of that man's incessant babbling" cried Fleming. "He compared skaters to baked goods, art movements, track-and-field competitions, fashion designers... Tonight I thought to myself <!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> 'Peggy, it is time to put him out to pasture. Do it for fans, they've suffered long enough.'<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->"

Insiders say tension between the two long-time colleagues started in 1996, when Button proposed to Fleming during the Ladies' Long Programs of the World Championships.

"She was revolted" revealed ABC's Terry Gannon. "She suppressed her anger for so long... To tell you the truth, I was going to mix a little Afrosheen and arsenic in his vodka tonic at dinner last night but backed out at the last moment. He had it coming."

Surprisingly Boston authorities have not yet pressed charges against Fleming, citing a lack of evidence and overwhelming support for Ms. Fleming.

"We can't find the eyelash curler" said Boston Police Chief Paul Evans. "There are picketers holding THANK YOU PEGGY signs outside. Clearly, this man was a nuisance to society."

[taf2]

Thanks Maeve for making me choke on my breakfast. Seriously, I loved it.

[taf2]

Kwanluv, I also loved yours. Luckily, I wasn't eating when I read yours.

[skatingfan]

Nice stories, thanks.

[Sharon]

I agree skatingfan! thanks all :) !

[Skatingfan2002]

Oh my goodness it has been a long time since I've come to fan fiction and I'm glad I did.

Maeve-You were histerical!! I was ROTFLOL!! :lol :lol I loved your story.
I loved the weapon: an eyelash curler!! :p :lol

I have to come back again when my creative juices are working!!